


Dissociate

by sevenstevearmy



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:07:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24758272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevenstevearmy/pseuds/sevenstevearmy
Summary: Logan can't duck out. So he does the next 'best' thing. plus some intrulogical for the soul can be platonic or romantic
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 114





	Dissociate

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my own personal experience with dissociation and what I know about coping mechanisms from my studies in psychology. If you dissociate, you may have a different experience, and that's ok.

Logan had a great week. And by a great week he meant that he remembered absolutely nothing of his interactions with the other sides but had his work done early and was eating and sleeping better than he had in awhile. If he couldn’t remember the words they said, there was nothing to play over in his head as he lay in the dark waiting to pass out. If he didn’t talk as much, aka only giving short answers to things he was directly asked like he did when he dissociated, they didn’t get annoyed with him and they were more productive. Logan knew he didn’t have the luxury of ducking out ever, not even for a short time like Virgil did, but if his ducking out was less physical, then it didn’t affect Thomas at all. All he had to do was put his body on autopilot and become a shell whenever he had to leave his room, or on the rare occasion that someone knocked on his door. So, yeah. He had a great week. So why was he still crying? Why did it still hurt so much?  
It hadn’t started out this way. For 28 years he was fully aware of his actions 100% of the time. He could remember everything. And then remembering started to hurt. He decided the best course of action was to make it so he couldn’t remember the things that would hurt him by not letting them into short term in the first place. Speak when spoken to, be seen not heard. Then he realized he didn’t have to be seen so much, just often enough that the others wouldn’t worry if he was affecting Thomas. He wasn’t, so he didn’t feel the need to have that conversation. It was great for a while. It was like living in his own world where it was just him and no one could hurt him. He had only meant to do it occasionally, but found he didn’t mind when it happened more often… Until he did.   
No one was noticing he was acting strange. No one cared to check in on him. It was then he found that even if there weren’t any new memories to hurt him, if he wasn’t distracting himself, the old ones would. So then he didn’t even have his free time anymore. It felt like he had slept for weeks, but his body and mind were tired. He needed to stop, really, but he just couldn’t force himself back into that pain, even if it meant he was now truly a robot with the occasional semi-conscious thought. As logic he would be more efficient like that anyway.

“Logan. Logan! Ugh. Someone snap him out of it. He’s spacing again.”  
“Again? Does he do this often?”  
“I don’t know that I’d say often, but sometimes it takes him a second to respond.”

People were talking. Logan didn’t know who. He pulled himself back to a state that could be responsive without having to remember the annoyance he was hearing in their voices. Even quiet like they wanted he wasn’t good enough.

“I’m sorry, what was that?”  
“I asked if you remembered the idea I had last week, since you remember everything.”  
“I don’t.”  
“Don’t remember the idea or don’t remember everything, because if you don’t remember my idea I’m going to be very upset.”  
“Both. It’s not my job to keep track of every idea you have. Get a notebook to write them down.”  
Roman was about to say something when Patton stepped in. “Are you ok, Lo?”  
“I am adequate. I believe I am well fed and rested.”  
“Believe?” Virgil asked. “You’re not certain?”  
“Well it’s difficult to know exactly since we’re not human-”  
“Nevermind. Forget I asked.”  
“Guys, this really isn’t like him. Logan, if you’re going through something I need you to talk to me, buddy.” Thomas was near begging.  
“There is nothing for you to be concerned about.”

Even half there, Logan knew better than to lie. Janus would feel it and investigate. He didn’t need that.

“Ok… If anything comes up, you’ll tell us, right?”  
“If there is anything you need to know, I will tell you.”

Thomas didn’t look too sure, but Logan was just about the most stubborn side. He wouldn’t get anything out of him by directly asking. The rest of the interaction went decently so he hoped it wasn’t anything too big.

When they were done, Logan went back to his room to work. When he was working, he was lucid. As long as he could distract himself, he wouldn’t slip, so he found more things for himself to do. He even tried to be less efficient so that it would take him longer, but that didn’t help much. His weeks had turned into a handful of hours during which he was working, and everything else was gone. And if that upset him he didn’t know, because whenever he got upset he would disappear until something brought him back and he didn’t remember what there was to be upset about.

It was nighttime… probably. He used to know exactly what time it was when asked down to the millisecond. Now, he had no clue if it was Monday or Thursday. He felt something shaking him. He pulled himself back to being lucid in case it was a threat.

“There you are.” Remus looked down at him seemingly relieved, though Logan had no clue why. “I came by to try to disturb you but you just stared at the ceiling for a couple hours. Janus used to do this too when Virgil left. Whenever he wasn’t staring at the wall he was crying or working. I got him to eat but he would only stare blankly as he did. It really creeped me out the first time and that’s saying something. He told me all about it. Why it happened. So I learned how to help. The trick is to want to be awake.”  
“How? What could possibly make me want to be awake? I’m much more efficient like this and the others are happier, too.”  
“I’m not.”  
“Huh?”  
“Since you’re always up here with a dead stare, no one even entertains my ideas and there’s no one to pick them apart and challenge me.”  
“What about Janus?”  
“It’s not the same… What if you helped me with my stories? Would that keep you awake?”  
“Why do you care?”  
“Because it’s not the same without you. And… fuck, I don’t know. I just feel things.”  
“Ah. As I believe the kids are saying: big mood.”  
Remus chuckled. “So can I borrow your time since you weren’t going to use it anyway?”  
“I suppose.”

Remus began to tell his story, occasionally weaving in new things that would pop into his mind, some of which made it so he had to rework the whole thing and start from the beginning. Logan would point out holes in the story or contradictions. Remus found he liked Logan helping as it made his story more coherent, and Logan found he liked being lucid with Remus. They kept working until Remus stifled his third yawn.

“You should get some rest.”  
“I’m fine. Sleep is for the weak. I’ll just get some coffee.”  
“That’s not a healthy habit.”  
“Neither is dissociating for days on end.”  
“Touché.”  
“Besides… If I leave how do I know you won’t go back to it?” 

Remus’s voice was soft with worry which was a state Logan had never heard it in. He felt a strange warm feeling.

“Well now I have a story to work on. I’m not the most creative, but I can approach it from a technical standpoint. And… You can come back when you wake up. If you want to, I mean. I understand that I can be boring and annoying-”  
“Never. I like your weird facts and long rambles. It’s cute.”  
Logan’s face went up in flames even though he didn’t know why. “Oh, uh… Thanks. No one else really does, so-”  
“I’m not exactly like the others though.”  
“That is a correct statement.”  
“When I come back I’m bringing food. You look like you’ve been skipping meals. And don’t worry, I’ll have supervision.”  
“Why would I be worried?”  
“Poison, fire, overall inedibleness, gross flavor combinations, weird textures, etc. Janus doesn’t let me cook by myself.”  
“Perhaps I could teach you at a later date?”  
“Really?!”  
“Yes. I’m not the best, but I can make the basics.”  
“I think I’ll be allowed to use the stove if I’m supervised. I’ll tell Janus!”  
Logan let out his own yawn. “I guess I should get some rest as well. Real rest.”  
“Do you want me to stay here until you fall asleep?”  
“... Yes, please.” 

Logan looked away shyly as he snapped into his pajamas and got under the covers. Remus kneeled on the ground next to him and began rubbing his back, which was surprising but not unwelcome. Remus must have sensed the question on his mind and spoke up.

“Physical touch is a good way to ground a person. Janus taught me when Virgil still lived with us.”

Logan nodded and soon found himself drifting off to sleep, and for the first time in a long time, he was excited to wake up.

**Author's Note:**

> There was going to be more, but I like where this ended.


End file.
